Jaja’s Greek Mythology: Theseus Edition

Jaja’s Greek Mythology: Theseus Edition

I’ve recently taken more interest in Greek Mythology (I have been interested at it for a long time, but more recently), and decided to write them up using my version, and my own words. Jaja’s Greek Mythology is a series where I tell stories about a certain hero, god, or goddess. I will try to post a mythological figure every 2 weeks. This is just my first story, so I would appreciate feedback.

I started writing this story on Theseus, 2 weeks ago, and have only finished it recently. It was originally written in 3 parts.

Theseus Part 1

Theseus was a Greek Hero, he was a son of Poseidon (some versions state that he is purely mortal… But he seems so strong its nearly impossible for him to NOT be a demigod. Also some versions state that he has two fathers… one being Poseidon, the other being the King of Athens, I’m using that version). He is known for his rash and impulsive behavior. He also has a characteristic way of beating up bad guys by throwing them around like a child would with a toy. He is also known for being easily distracted. Sounds like a superpowerful dude with attention span problems. What makes Theseus different apart from being a stereotypical demigod, is that he is very clever, which I like that about him.

Lets see..

Theseus was the stepson (or real son) of the King Of Athens, the biggest city and the most democratic in Greece, i’m not saying it was the most powerful however. When he was born, cause the king was afraid his enemies that seek his throne in Athens, precisely his brother, heir to the throne and his brother’s 14 sons. wait.. was it 14 or 28.. Oh yeah.. 28 sons… WHAT THE . . . 28 SONS!?

EDIT: This was the wrong amount… His Uncle, Pallas, has 50 sons . . . . . I’m speechless…

Back on topic. The Athenian king, whose name I’ve forgotten. (Googles first), Aegeus, King of Athens has 51 people waiting for him to die. Why dont they just kill him? Killing a relative in the world of Ancient Greek Mythology without proper reason means that Zeus will kill you.. and you get a special punishment from Hades.

Aegeus, he’s the one on the right

So when Theseus was 1 week old, Aegeus left prizes for him under a boulder when he is strong enough to push the boulder away. Spoiler: Being a demigod he was strong enough to push the rock when he reached the age of 17.

Aegeus left him with his mother at her mother’s hometown, Troezen. Why? Cause there are 51 enemies of Aegeus that might be able to kill Theseus, because they are not related-ish, again, it’s so confusing… point is, It’s too dangerous to bring Theseus back home to Athens.

You know, just claim that Theseus is a son of Poseidon as well as his son, and all of Pallas and their sons won’t kill Theseus unless they want war with the 2nd most powerful god… But nope, Aegeus has to do weird stuff..

Her mother Aethra, is awesome, I mean raising a child is hard enough to do on your own.. Now Aethra? She raised an impulsive, superpowerful demigod with the inability to focus. She also raised her alone, and prepped Theseus for his journey to Athens. She tells her stories about dangerous bandits on the way to Athens.

So if one day you’re parents tells you to read a story like one of those Greek heroes used to hear to your little sister or brother, you know which one to tell to scare them. Remind me to do that on Alice :D.

Now if your mom complains about raising you… You have an excuse, “Hey, at least I’m not ADHD like Theseus.” Wait I take it back… DON’T SAY THAT UNLESS YOU HAVE A DEATHWISH. Mother’s are like a ticking time bomb. Me, luckily, I don’t have a mom. I have a Bubi. Unfortunately, A Bubi is like 10 times worse than your average mom. I still love you though <3

Okay back on topic… When he was a teenager, he grew up and became a strong, clever and handsome demigod.

No bandit, monster, or bad guy tried to even enter Troezen’s borders. Theseus can play with them like a child would with toys or video games, it must be nice raising a superhero like demigod, you can save money on those toys that cost a lot.

By 17, his boredom has annoyed his mother and his mother asked him to roll that boulder downhill. He found good leather sandals, and a sword. Hey, not a bad deal. This sword of his has the initials of Aegeus, it also has a symbol of an olive tree and owl. Which was the Athenian Kingdom symbol. Her mother told Theseus the sword was once his fathers.

His mother told him to go to Athens, and defend his father’s throne. Troezen to Athens was not that far in range, roughly 100 kilometers… But.. The short route? Filled with monsters, bandits, and tricksters. Not safe I take it… The other route is through the sea not much of a challenge, just way safer.

Theseus think of safe as boring…

So being an impulsive child, he took the dangerous route.

Typical…

Now while on this way, Theseus remembered all the stories his mother used to tell him as a child. About all the villains on the way from Troezen to Athens. Today was the day he met them

He met a son of Hephaestus (God Of Blacksmiths and Fire), his name was Periphetes. The bad news? He is a bandit that uses a bronze and wooden club, he is strong and will smack you in the head with it, killing you, and then taking your valuables. The good news? her mother’s stories reminded him that he was a son of Hephaestus, which liked to be praised for their weapons craftmanship and skills.

So Theseus simply praised his weapon and asked to borrow it, so he can examine the weapon that will be used to kill him. Either Periphetes is an idiot, or he just likes to be praised SO much. Of course… Theseus killed him with the club, and then he kept it.

As he travelled, bandits and monsters either run away, or well… die

Couple of days after the average bandit and monster got cut up or headsmashed, Theseus met a pretty intriguing bandit. His name was Sinis, and he had a daughter named Perigune. Sinis has a weird hobby of keeping down pine trees by dragging the peak of the tree to the ground. He challenges people to do the same. In fact his nickname is “The Pine Bender”… Sounds like something from the Avatar, Legends Of Aang Series.

 

If you managed to beat him, you get to marry his daughter. If you decline the challenge, you can either get your body thrown up onto the air, or shredded into half by being tied up onto 2 pine trees. What if I try to run? you get slammed in the head by a boulder from a pine tree catapult.

So your options are… Try to get a pretty girl, and a 99% chance of dying in pain, Die in massive pain, or Die in pain.

Hmm…. Wonder what you’ll do

Hey, Theseus is smart and strong, and luckily, Sinis was one of the bandits that his mother told him about. He knew how Sinis could keep his grip onto that tree for what seems forever. Sinis is a son of Poseidon (so Theseus’ brother, Have I told you that a golden flying sheep, which eventually became a carpet is also any Son of Poseidon’s brother?) and Poseidon, being the summoner of earthquakes in Greek mythology, can sort of manipulate the Earth. Sinis also has this capability. He can plant his body in the earth the way a tree does.

A Picture Of Theseus (Right) And Sinis’s (Left) Tree Holding Contest.

So how does Theseus beat him?

Firstly he accepted Theseus’ challenge, and agreed to get one of his hands tied onto the pine tree, he left the other hand without any use. When Sinis let go of his grip, Theseus managed to hold the tree for a while. After a while, he cut the strap that was used to tie him up. He is still holding the tree. Not long after, Sinis got curious and took a peek at how Theseus managed to hold much longer. When Sinis got close to the tree, he let go and sent Sinis flying like a catapult sending a rock.

Sinis fainted.

When he woke up. . . He got a taste of his own medicine, Theseus tied him up onto 2 pine trees like he would do to anyone who declines. And well… You can guess what happened.

Fortunately, Theseus being a self-righteous man, he released Perigune and continued his journey to Athens.

After another few days he landed at a town called Crommyon. Never heard of it? Oh that’s cause the town is only remembered for a short while, when Theseus visited. At this town, Theseus heroically slayed the mighty… Pig… and its owner, an old lady…

Right? Am I reading this right? Moving on

The next bandit he met was someone named Sciron. He has a pet turtle (oh wait… A Pet GIANT Turtle) and raided people near seas, where his turtle lived. He is also Theseus’ brother, another Son Of Poseidon.

From his mother’s stories he remembered Sciron is a guy who either kills you and takes everything you own, or force you to wash his dirty feet (and kick the poor guy to be turtle food, although Sciron does not tell this part). He remembered Sciron’s weakness his mother tells him. He loves to be praised.

So that’s what he does, he praised Sciron and almost washed his feet while praising his greatness. While distracted he tripped Sciron and made him Turtle Food

After many bandits you should be able to guess Theseus’ philosophy:
Give people a taste of their own medicine, so they know that what they’re doing is bad and they feel that.

After Sciron he finally made it to Athens, but It’s still a long journey for Theseus.

Theseus Part 2

Previously, In Theseus’ story.. He was born with 2 dads. His mother doesn’t need to spend money on toys. He made his mother frustrated, cause he is annoying… (Sounds like me) He killed lots of dudes with their own weapons. and he fed a giant turtle, the meal for the turtle was the turtle’s owner.

The regular day of a demigod.

He reached Athens.. Who is now, the capital of Greece… Back then Athens was rich… Powerful? I’m not sure about that. As I said last week, Athens was the best city in Greece. But after taking a look at it’s state, I take it back. Until Theseus became king that is, and if he does become king.

So why isn’t Athens great?

List of Problems
1. King Aegeus, Theseus’ father is only the king of Athens by name. The city is ruled by ruffians that are Theseus’ cousins, known as the Pallanides. Yes, The King Of Athens has a younger brother, the brother has 50 sons, as I said before. These people would kill any possible heir to Aegeus, so that they get the throne when Aegeus dies. Cause of them, the king was paranoid, and made sure no one he doesn’t know are allowed to be even near the king.

2. Aegeus does not know that Theseus is his son . . . Of course, if you leave your son when he’s an infant, you won’t know.

3. Every 7 years, 7 young men and women from Athens must be fed to the Minotaur (Half Man Half Bull Monster) in Crete. It’s a long story, involving Zeus, sports accident, death, ruffians, and surrendering. But within 2 months since Theseus arrived, the sacrifice will be sent.

4. King Aegeus, has a new wife, named Medea . She’s a sorceress, and she also wants HER son, to be king. Being a sorceress, with spies all over the place, she knew Theseus was Aegeus’ son, and she wants to kill him.

5. A bull in a place near Athens called Marathon, was wreaking havoc, seriously? More Bull problems? This is Bullshit :D. The bull was then named, Marathonian Bull, cause the Greeks traded out creativity in coming up with names, for having gods that fall in love with mortals every time a pretty one shows up. Also, fun fact… The Bull was one of Hercules’ labors, but he released it at the wrong place

So, does Athens seem powerful now?

Wait, good news, who would’ve thought

1. Anyone who kills the Marathonian Bull gets dinner with the king.

Just one? LOL

More bad news from the previous good news? Ooh there’s some

1B. That means if Theseus slays the bull, he gets to meet face to face with Medea :/ Which means, He’ll die from magic.
2B. Medea is a good liar, and a murderer, also a great sorceress. I’m writing about Jason and The Argonauts when I want to, and you should read that if I finally decide to write that up.

Right.. I think that’s enough paragraphs filled with problems.

So, Theseus decided to kill the bull. Unfortunately, Zeus had other plans. See, the bull was sacred to one of his sons. Weirdly enough, his son, Minos, King Of Crete (The same one kingdom with the Minotaur) was the one who gave it to Hercules. Maybe that’s cause they are both sons of Zeus, since they’re half brothers and Zeus didn’t mind. But a son of Poseidon? *gasp* NO WAY! He threw a massive storm that prevented Theseus from getting out.

So Theseus went to a Temple Of Zeus. A Priestess there told him to sacrifice the Bull and do not kill it, unless as a sacrifice to Zeus. The Gods are already rich, but they still demand sacrifices. Oh, you do not want to? If you live in Ancient Greece… Well I’m sure each Olympian will have a way of punishing you.

So he made a trap, and placed it near a barn. He lured the bull inside the barn. Some versions say that he pretended to be a some sort of… Female Cow… But I think that’s ridiculous. Let’s just say he used grass and lured the bull onto a barn and caught it.

Theseus riding the Marathonian Bull, before sacrificing it.

Once caught, Theseus rode the Bull back onto the Temple Of Zeus, and sacrificed it.

He went back to Athens, still anonymous. Everyone is curious, who the heck is this awesome young man who slayed the Marathonian Bull. A while before dinner with the king, who by the way, is now old and weak, Medea told his husband that this young man is an assassin that works with his brother.

Being a paranoid king who has an assassinphobia, (I made that up) he ordered his servants to put poison in Theseus’ wine.

Luckily, Theseus being a clever dude, remembered what his mother told him about the sword. He came onto the king’s palace with his sword unsheathed. Aegeus recognized the sword that was once his. He immediately knew who Theseus was… His son, so he threw away the poisoned wine, and caught up with Theseus. Medea was supposed to be punished, but she ran away. Trust me… You haven’t read how messed up Medea actually is.

Yaay…

Now all that is left to do is to get rid of problem numbers 1 and 3… Unfortunately, those two are the hardest.

Hard? Really?

The very next day, before I was focused, and was actually doing something, seemed to be a prime time for bad guy slaying. Theseus killed all the Pallantides, each group of them normally contains 5-10 out of 50. They were dead first thing in the morning. Of course, before they knew who he was, cause then, he would be outnumbered as the Pallantides won’t split up.

What about Pallas? Aegeus’ brother? He was exiled. A very merciful punishment.

Okay, now problem number 3 is the best and most fun one.

Not long afterwards, lotteries were pulled for the third seven year cycle of human flesh for the Minotaur. Who will be the lucky Athenian to win a free trip to Crete, a free ticket to the Labyrinth where the Minotaur lives, and free dinner… for the Minotaur.

Wow, what a prize! And Theseus volunteered to defend the other lucky lottery winners.

Aegeus begged for Theseus not to come to Crete. But, being the impulsive child he is… He didn’t care. Luckily, Aegeus made Theseus promise to use white sails instead of black to symbolize that they survived.

What’s up with Black and White? That’s my second favorite Michael Jackson song.

Oh you meant Black and White sails? Black sails symbolize death, and failure. White is not black.

So Theseus sailed to take care of the Minotaur, and Let’s Make Athens Great Again!

To Be Continued 😀

Theseus, Part 3

So, last time, Theseus bravely offered himself as a sacrifice for King Minos’ crazy bullheaded man, or manbodied bull.

3 days after leaving Athens, Theseus led the 14 offerings, and they made way onto the worst monster in all of Crete.

King Minos. . .

King Minos, Evil King Of Crete.

No seriously, this dude is filled with TOTAL CRUELTY, I can write about his cruelty, but that will be a different story! The Minotaur was his stepson, but that’s a long story, involving Aphrodite (Goddess of Love, and Beauty), a bull, Poseidon, and Minos’ old wife.

But, apparently Minos isn’t cruel enough to not feed these offerings. He gave these poor Athenians a proper bedchamber in the palace, and a nice dinner, before they become dinner themselves!

King Minos just HATES Theseus at first sight.

Over the past 7 year phases where Athens started feeding the Minotaur, King Minos saw poor young people from a rival kingdom, being a bunch of pessimists, pitying their poor luck, and just trying to enjoy their last day, before the Minotaur enjoys his meal.

Theseus however, being an optimistic guy, ended up sharing stories of his travels to Athens and whatever I told you in the previous 2 parts, granting confidence to the rest of his fellow Athenians.

So, King Minos wants him to die now, before he even stood a chance to kill the Minotaur. Really? Isn’t that a bit unfair? Who cares? He’s King Minos.

He challenged him to catch one of his gold rings (Dude’s rich, he can throw away an expensive gold ring, and just grab some more) he threw the ring from his palace onto the oceans, which was having a storm, and the currents were also heavy at night.. Minos said that only a son of Poseidon could ever swim such a harsh current, and survive jumping a 50 foot tower fall from the castle onto the sea, and if Theseus was truly a son of Poseidon, he could find it.

Now, after reading 2 parts of Theseus’ story, you would know that:

A: He is very rash, and doesn’t think through things that much
B: He has daddy issues, Why? He’s got 2 of them

So, after Minos brought up point B, he proved point A right by having Theseus jump, and well, while on the way down, he prayed to his father to save him.

Phew, the prayer delivery system isn’t like Internet during a saturday night (HORRIBLY SLOW) and was more like my house’s Wi-Fi, FAST!. If it wasn’t, then Theseus would’ve died. He swam through the currents with grace, like any son of Poseidon should. He dove for a glimmering ring, and swam up again.

With wet clothes, he barged in through the castle doors, and shoved the ring onto Minos’ face. The glory when someone tries to embarrass you but ends up getting embarrassed themselves is PRICELESS.

In the meantime, one of Minos’ daughters fell in love with Theseus’ courage, handsomeness, and wits. Her name was Ariadne, she didn’t want Theseus to die and get eaten by the Minotaur.

So, after Theseus fell asleep, Ariadne went onto her mentor’s chamber inside the labyrinth. Who’s her mentor? Daedalus, the dude killed his own nephew, (he has a son that could make a great story, but again, next time). He was banished to Crete cause of that. He keeps devising ways for his evil master and king, Minos, to make Crete the best kingdom in all of Greece. I personally don’t get why Minos gets a reward while Daedalus was punished.

Now, Problems for Theseus:
1. The Labyrinth is confusing, just cause you could find the Minotaur, doesn’t mean you could find the way out.
2. Number 1 is a problem, If you Could kill the Minotaur, hand to hand, for, No weapons are allowed to be carried inside The Labyrinth.

Back on Track

Ariadne remembered everything Daedalus taught him to find a way inside the labyrinth. “When In Doubt Turn Right”. As simple as that. Never turn Left, always take the “right” path.

She found Daedalus’ chamber, and Daedalus gave Ariadne a ball of thread. He told her to tie it onto the door, and just weave the string, follow it on the way out. So that’s one problem covered.

Daedalus told Ariadne that you could use the Minotaur’s own horns as a weapon, and that the Minotaur used to have a real name. His name was Asterion, use that name to distract the beast.

So there are minor tricks to beat the Minotaur, despite you have no weapons.

While Theseus was asleep, Ariadne woke her up, and told him everything she knew. Ariadne made Theseus promise to take her home back to Athens if he survived, and made her Theseus’ wife. Theseus agreed.

The very next day …

It’s a Minotaur feeding time! Theseus bravely led the Athenians to enter the Labyrinth without any weapons, while all of Crete are celebrating this bloodbath with the annual “Minotaur Feeding Show”. Theseus tied the ball of string Ariadne gave him onto the doors of the Labyrinth. He entered, and took Ariadne’s advice, “When In Doubt, Turn Right”.

Not long after, he entered the lair of the Minotaur. What he saw in that lair was disgusting! YUCK, he saw skulls of dead Athenians, he saw blood, and some hay for snacking, he saw a muscly man, with the head of a horned bull, or a bull with the body of a man, it’s like a Zebra, black stripes white skin? or white stripes black skin?

           The Minotaur! Half Man Half Bull.

The Minotaur was enraged, and hungry, he charged up, trying to attack Theseus, and the rest of his lunch. Before the Minotaur even had a chance of feasting any Athenians, Theseus told them to stay behind the entrance of the Minotaur’s chamber, keeping them safe, where the Minotaur couldn’t reach them. Theseus bravely fought the bull hand to hand, but no matter how strong Theseus is, the Minotaur is definitely stronger. Theseus just knew he couldn’t beat that Minotaur with nothing but brawns, and he used something else that the Minotaur doesn’t have. Brains.

I’m sure you’ve read this part of Theseus before, but Theseus is a very clever dude, and he could outsmart anyone in combat.

The Minotaur is using his head as he fought Theseus! He rammed him with it.

So, what did Theseus do? He yelled the name “Asterion!”, as the Minotaur charged forward. The Minotaur stopped and stood there in a trance, he remembered that name, he remembered his human half, before he was seen as a monster. But that memory was interrupted when Theseus climbed on his back, taking his horn. Enraged,The Minotaur tossed Theseus away, where Theseus hurt his arm. Despite the pain, he charged, and bravely, he thrusted the Minotaur’s horn onto his chest. The Minotaur bellowed, screaming loudly, echoing through all of Crete, and he died, Theseus still felt pity for the Minotaur, no matter how terrible he has been to the people of Athens, the true monster in his eyes is King Minos, he prayed that the Minotaur would be given a peaceful rest.

Theseus lead the other Athenians and followed Ariadne’s String on his way out, he showed the Minotaur’s broken horn to the people of Crete, and he immediately took Ariadne away. Weirdly in the crowd, Ariadne’s sister, Phaedra also followed Theseus, since she also hated her father’s kingdom, and now, King Minos, has no Daughter’s for him to yell at. This leads to Daedalus’s misery, tenfold.

Theseus went back, married Ariadne. They lived Happily Ever After, as the King and Queen of Athens.

HAHAHA

You think it ended happily?

NO! Greek heroes, (ALMOST) never have a happy ending

So, 1 day on his 3 day trip back home, Theseus became an A-Class Jerk.

He dumped Ariadne on an island he came across, leaving her alone, cause Theseus thinks that her sister is prettier than Ariadne, but luckily, Dionysus, the God Of Wine, (no, seriously, That’s a thing) and one of the strongest gods (Again, I’m serious, I didn’t believe it at first, but I think that’s an interesting story).

Anyways, Ariadne was found by Dionysus on an island, and Dionysus made Ariadne his immortal wife. So that’s a happy ending.

Theseus ended up marrying Ariadne’s sister, Phaedra, and they celebrated a lot on the way home, they partied so much Theseus forgot to change the color of the sails, as it is still black.

Well, I didn’t remember it either actually, but I didn’t think it would’ve been a matter of life and death. Aegeus, Theseus’ father leapt to his death off the palace’s roof after seeing the color of the sail.

Theseus arrived and was immediately crowned the rightful king of Athens. Was he sad? I’m not sure honestly. He barely even knew the guy.

Now, if you think the terrible things Theseus has done is bad enough, it’s going to be worse, tenfold.

If you’re one of my homeschooled friends, then you would know there are bad influences back in school.

If you are still in school, you might remember some friends that are not good influences, and your mom might tell you to stay away from that friend.

Now, Theseus, met a dude who was one of those bad influences. He was leader of the Lapiths, a tribe who joins parties of Centaurs, and Centaurs are known as crazy party dudes. What’s a Centaur? Ever saw a Half Man Half Horse? That’s a Centaur

Dude’s name was Pirithous, and Theseus did terrible things with him which includes:

  1. Killing Centaurs, leaving their dead bodies on streets of Athens
  2. Kidnapping Helen of Troy, sounds like something that someone else has done? Yeah, She got kidnapped by Theseus when she was not of marrying age yet. He decided that he should let her go anyways. She ended up marrying King Menelaus, and… I should write about that.
  3. He didn’t even govern Athens properly, he became someone who partied, partied, and partied all day long.

Athens was starting to hate Theseus. But they reached their last straw when Theseus and Pirithous went onto the Underworld, and tried kidnapping Persephone, Hades’ wife, (She’s also a victim of constant kidnapping). They failed, of course, Theseus ended up imprisoned by Hades, and was freed by Hercules, long story.

After returning home again, Athens hated Theseus, Phaedra, his wife dumped him, and left.

But Athens still has little respect for all the good things their king has done.

Until he killed a young man his ex-wife fell in love with. Okay, kidnapping is kind of fine, the gods do it ALL the time, Murder? No king is worthy of murder. Athens hated him to the point of Donald Trump hate.

He left and travelled onto a place called Scyros, and became the general there.

The people of Scyros, hated his rep, Theseus rep is practically trash.

So the people at Scyros threw Theseus down the sea, and he drowned. Poseidon has no reason to save his own son again, after his terrible actions.

Moral of the story?
Theseus did things his way in his youth, he defeated evil people using their own way of defeating people he used karma.
Things were going great for Theseus, until he dumped Ariadne, who helped him.
Karma caught up to him, and one’s reputation can change, quickly. 20 good deeds, can disappear after a bad one. Theseus destroyed his own reputation and you should remember that one’s rep is hard to gain, but easy to wreck. How is he still seen as a hero? One can hide bad deeds and not tell them, and people tried to remember the good things he has done.

I think Theseus deserved all the hate he has at the end of his life, he can’t maintain a proper attitude, or behavior, he isn’t worthy to be king.

Until next time!

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