Jaja’s Greek Mythology: How To Get A Wife

Jaja’s Greek Mythology: How To Get A Wife

If Single people are checking this site out, looking for a way to get married quick, this is Hades’s version on getting a wife, I’m not a fan of it, but hey! it worked for him, so what’s not to try?

Now the Greek Gods are well, they’re human-like… not in the sense they’re weak like we are… but they behave like humans… I’m not even joking here, they’re personalities and behavior is almost definitely human. They have lots of conflict, which usually ends up making the world suffer. Ancient Greece was the time when us humans suffered the most.

Before you open this page and see all those names you might not know, read this post first. Just read up some names, don’t memorize them…

Step 1: Stalk

Nowadays, lots of people claim to stalk someone else in social media, which is kinda creepy… But well back then, Hermes or Athena hasn’t invented Social Media just yet, cause Athena probably wants the humans to do something more useful than procrastinating by opening the social media, and Hermes probably hasn’t gotten the thought of any possibility of expanding his advertising and commerce with Social Media.

Okay, so well, the title might be confusing, but remember Hades’s helmet? The one that made him invisible? well that was the first ever tool to stalk someone with. Trust me, it’s freaking creepy… Hades is one creepy dude, and having a creepy dude stalk you was scary enough, but having a creepy god who lives in an underground cave, and monitors dead souls stalk you? That’s probably the worst nightmare for women.

Hades Kidnapping Persephone On His Chariot

Who’s Hades wife you might ask? Persephone, Goddess of Springtime

Persephone was the daughter of Zeus (cause who isn’t), and Demeter. She was a pretty goddess with Nymphs taking care of her, and she walked around making flowers bloom all over the place, and stuff that teenagers in Ancient Greece does, before gadgets were invented and teenagers spend 90 minutes in their laptop writing an article. (guess who did that eh?) So, anyways, one time, Hades went outside the Underworld t0 grab some fresh air, because it’s impossible to breathe without any. That day, Hades saw Persephone frolicking among the fields, and he fell in love, just look at her.

No Dead Thing Is THIS Pretty

From that day, Hades forgot his job, and stalked Persephone all day long, without her knowing cause he’s got his Helm on. Even in the underworld, he forgot his job, and still dreamed about Persephone, which made Hades unproductive…

Step 2: Ask For The Dad’s Permission

So, this story will teach you 2 things…

  1. Don’t Trust Zeus’s advice
  2. Don’t make any Goddess (or in real life, Moms) angry

Now, it’s a known fact that Zeus spends his time getting girls, and well, Hades decided to ask advice from Zeus cause he’s dated lots of women. Apart from that, Hades also wanted to ask permission from Zeus to marry Persephone. Their conversation went onto something like this, which admittedly is dumb, and what the heck was in their minds when they talked?

  • Hades: Good day brother
  • Zeus: Ah, Hades, long time no see… How’s the Underworld?
  • Hades: Dead… and gloomy… and sad…
  • Zeus: That’s too bad, anyways, why have you come here?
  • Hades: I want to marry your daughter
  • Zeus: Which one? I’ve got like 100 of those
  • Hades: Persephone, and I promise that I’ll be a good husband (silently, unlike you who cheats a lot)
  • Zeus: Oh sure, that one… Which one’s her mother?
  • Hades: Demeter
  • Zeus: Don’t ask for her permission, she doesn’t like you remember?
  • Hades: I’m not sure anyone likes me…
  • Zeus: Just don’t talk to her, she’s overprotective
  • Hades: How do I get Persephone to talk to me then?
  • Zeus: Hmm… Just kidnap her, I’ll help you by luring her near the entrance of the underworld.
  • Hades: Are you sure? What about Demeter?
  • Zeus: Nah, she’ll barely know it was you…
  • Hades: Okay. . . Thanks brother

Well then, it’s settled… don’t ask for Zeus’s advice

Step 3: Kidnapping

So the very next day, Hades got a message sent to him via Olympus Express saying that you should wait with your chariot and your helmet on, and when you see Persephone, be sure to take her underground.

So, that day, Zeus put all of Persephone’s nymph friends to sleep. Persephone didn’t notice this, but Zeus made a pretty flower grow from one point to another, because as king, he has power to do that, I guess… Anyways, Persephone walked over and picked up every single one of them, which kind of lead to her straying so far away from her friends, and right near where Hades parked his underground chariot. So what happened?

Hades kidnapped her, and drowned out her screaming by taking her underground…

Hades Kidnapping Persephone On His Chariot of Shadowed Horses

After reaching his palace, Hades got confused with what to say, cause she’s there… and she’s real! How do I talk with a living thing… all of the dead things obey his command, now this living thing won’t. Hades eventually got the courage to say that he loves Persephone, and is willing to do anything for her, which isn’t really the best thing to say to a girl without any introduction.

Well, a bit of a side note, if you eat a bit of food that a house owner presented, according to manners, you’re not allowed to leave, until the house owner let you. Now, I’m talking about manners, but I’m also forgetting that according to manners, it isn’t allowed to kidnap people.

So, Hades started by presenting Persephone food and is trying to make her unable to leave, forever! (Insert the creepy sound effect here). But she rejected cause she’s smart, and at least she knows a bit of manners on what NOT to do at a stranger’s house… (Technically, Hades was his uncle, so that’s not necessarily a stranger, but Uncle’s aren’t supposed to marry Niece’s too… so, move along)

But… now how would you think Demeter reacted at this kidnapping?

Meanwhile, Back On Olympus

“Persephone? Where Are You? Persephone!? It’s way past your curfew!”

Demeter spent 7 days trying to find Persephone… Until she realized that you could use Greek’s best source of CCTV! what is that you might ask? Helios and his sun chariot…

Anyways, that day, Demeter forced Helios to spill out what he saw 7 days ago on his Sun Chariot, because 7 days ago, it was Helios’s shift to drive the chariot, not Apollo’s. From the Sun Chariot, there is literally nothing you can miss seeing, unless if it’s underground. Luckily, if it’s in the underground, you know exactly who the main suspect is, Hades… Now Helios said “I didn’t really see much, but I saw her going underground”, which luckily, Demeter knows who can make Hades bow down, which is… Zeus…

Now, Demeter arrived at Olympus and told Zeus a crime that their daughter was kidnapped by a stranger, taken underground, by probably Hades, their conversation went onto something like this…

  • Demeter: ZEUS! OUR DAUGHTER WAS KIDNAPPED! I asked Helios, it’s got to be Hades, she got taken to the underground! Who else could it be?
  • Zeus: Oh, err…
  • Zeus: Demeter, calm down a bit, I already gave Hades permission to kidnap and marry Persephone…
  • Demeter: … You gave Hades the permission to kidnap and marry MY daughter? OUT OF EVERY GOD OUT THERE!? YOU CHOSE HADES!?
  • Zeus: He’s a nice man, and he promised me he would be a good husband… so I helped him kidnap Persephone
  • Demeter: *SLAP* YOU HELPED HIM! Kidnap our… DAUGHTER?
  • Zeus: Yeah, I know you won’t let him, but it’s the father’s choice right? Who their daughter gets to marry?
  • Demeter: Very well… If that’s how it’s gonna be, then I will make mankind suffer… (Jaja here, because we did lot’s of wrong things right?) Until my daughter is returned to me, every single living thing in this earth will feel my pain! No Plant, or crop will grow until she is back here on Olympus with me!
  • Zeus: Now, now, no need to make the humans suffer…

Wow, talk about overkill… now we’ve reached the part where they’ve destroyed the world… cause we did wrong things right? Also, a bit of a soap opera don’t you think?

Step 4: Respond To Threats

All the other gods are like… Please No… but Demeter is still mad cause Hades and Zeus did things without her permission, and now, Demeter is pretty much in the mood to kill Hades, unfortunately that won’t work, cause he’s immortal, so Demeter decides to take her anger out on us Humans. So, hang on, there needs to be a solution, and Zeus decides to send Hades a message, via Olympus Express’s one and only courier, Hermes. The message went out onto something like this

Dear Hades,

I would like to apologize, and would like to request for you to return Persephone to her mother, Demeter, for she does not agree to let her daughter marry someone like you. The humans are in a famine and they are dying, for Demeter does not let any single crop to grow, and soon, this Global Cooling would reach a point where animals die of hunger, and then because of famine, the humans would soon be extinct, and thus, please, return Persephone to Demeter immediately, I’m certain a considerable amount of humans entering the underworld would make you much stressed in doing your job, so consider this a favor, because the first batch of humans have just died, but surely, you’d be the first to know.

Your Brother (and King), Zeus

Well, before Hermes flew away and delivered a couple of letters to Zeus’s girlfriends he cannot visit cause of the crisis, Hades told Hermes to stay put and wait for him to write and send this letter…

Dear Lord Zeus,

I wish you understand how happy I’m feeling with Persephone right now, for without her, I won’t be doing my job that well, and I also want you to imagine what it feels to be abandoned by your wife. It’s devastating isn’t it? Persephone hasn’t really responded to my proposal, but as soon as she eats some food, she’ll be bound to me, and at one point she will. If anyone tries to contest my soon-to-be marriage with Persephone, I promise you that the dead shall flood the mortal realm once more, and I am certain, when that happens, Demeter’s Famine will be a joke of a catastrophe.

Your Brother, Hades

YEAH! More threats! Now, Zeus has to choose between Dead People mixed with the living, causing a Zombie Apocalypse kinda thing happening, or no humans around to sacrifice to him. Gee what a dilemma.

Step 5: Get Married!

I’m not entirely sure that this set of events actually happened, but Hades seems like a guy capable of doing such trickery…

After the set of threats sent, Hades prepared a gift just for Persephone, after the gift was prepared, Hades sent a letter to Hermes, telling him to come back tomorrow to pick Persephone up, which might seem like a genuine act, but please, continue down below.

The very next day, Hades revealed the gift for Persephone, which was a garden of golden and silver trees, made by the undead soul of Greece’s best deceased gardener. On the trees, Hades prepped a special living tree he took a while ago, used to remind him of Persephone, that tree is Persephone’s favorite and sacred fruit, Pomegranates. Hades picked a pomegranate fruit and gave Persephone one of them… Which ended up with Persephone a flashback, and a rush of sensations of the life outside of the underworld flooding past her. She’s sad, and out of desperation, starvation, and just her love for it, she ate some of them. . . And according to politeness, she’s now bound to Hades.

Hermes arrived 1 minute early, not enough time for Persephone to finish even a half of the Pomegranate, Hermes seeing Persephone is eating a third of the Pomegranate, gave him a very important message to deliver to Zeus and Demeter, reporting the situation, that Persephone ate 1/3 of the pomegranate which belonged in the underworld.

Please Don’t Eat Underworld Food

Luckily, Hestia, an Olympian whose everyday job is to burn some fire onto the family hearth, gave a peaceful solution… Since Persephone only ate a third of the pomegranate, then there we have it! only a third of the year Persephone must stay with Hades, which on that 4 months, no crops will grow cause Demeter is sad, also known as winter, for Greek people. For the rest, Persephone is allowed to stay with Demeter, and crops will grow.

Hermes rushed faster than a speeding bullet and delivered this message to Hades, which is accepted by the 2, and then BAM! Problem solved! Hooray peace!

Also, originally, Hermes happened to come and pick Persephone out with Zeus’s warrant but as an accident, Persephone happened to eat Pomegranates out on that day. I don’t believe this version because there’s a very unlucky coincidence, and Zeus should fear Hades’s power to control the dead and respect his judgement.

Moral Of The Story

Don’t mess with moms, especially the daughter of overprotective ones, just don’t, 10/10

So, there’s this episode of Greek Mythology, and please wait for my next story!

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